VERSION # 1:
The heaviest element known to science
was recently discovered by scientists at a major research university. The element,
tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, appears to be closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM,
a known deadly poison. It has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have 1 Neutron, 126 Assist Neutrons, 75 Vice Neutrons
and 111 Assistant Vice Neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 313. These
313 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of Meson--like particles called Morons. It is also surrounded by vast
quantities of Lepton-like particles called Peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected
chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According
to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to
take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one
second.
Administratium has a normal half--life of approximately four years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which Assistant Neutrons, Vice Neutrons and Assistant Vice Neutrons, exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in
the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at all levels
of concentration. If it is allowed to accumulate, it can easily destroy any
productive reactions. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
[Adapted from: DeBuvitz, William. The Physics Teacher, January, 1989
<http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/administ.htm>
and Beltz, Ellin. "Physics Non-Department First to Photograph New Element."
The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Volume 39, Number 5, September-October
1994 <http://ebeltz.net/resume/jir.html>]
VERSION # 2
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM.
Administratium has one neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 313.
These 313 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass actually increases over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This moron-promoting characteristic has lead some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You'll know it when you see it.
[Adapted from: DeBuvitz, William. The Physics Teacher, January, 1989 <http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/administ.htm> and Beltz, Ellin. "Physics Non-Department First to Photograph New Element." The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Volume 39, Number 5, September-October 1994 <http://ebeltz.net/resume/jir.html>]
research@meduohio.edu